My Dear Sister in Christ,

It is common when we discuss our relationship with our husbands to stress the need to respect and be subject to them. Ephesians 5:22-24 & 33 admonishes wives in this way because that is the instruction we need most. If it were easy and automatic there would probably not be so much said about it. 1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands to value their wives because of our equality in Christ. God does not place men in the position of leadership in the family because they are more valuable to Him. We actually know more about how God feels about the righteous demeanor of women than the strong leadership of men. The impression I get from verse 4 of that chapter is that we endear ourselves to God when we are gentle and calm. Self-control and quiet assurance come much more easily when we know our own value and are not trying to prove anything to those around us.

You have an intrinsic value to God that would motivate Him, like a shepherd, to leave a flock of sheep unguarded to save you (Matthew 18:12-14). You have a place in the Kingdom of God that is equal to your husband (Galatians 3:28). That does not mean the two of you will be doing the same work, but your value and your responsibility to please God are the same. Romans 12:3-8 discusses the variation within the body and how differing members serve different functions while their work is all toward the good of the whole. What I do does not give me the right to brag, or “think more highly of myself than I ought to,” because it is not my actions that give me value. My value is inherent. I am motivated to do whatever I can in service out of gratitude for what God has done for me.

Men and women do not have different levels of accountability. I must know the will of God to be able to please Him in my life. The responsibility given to my husband to lead our family does not relieve me of the need to know what is true and apply it in my life. If our personal judgments differ, I must be cautious about the attitude I display in discussing those matters, but I am not honoring God if my convictions on a topic are only a reflection of what my husband thinks. I must be humble and open to fair persuasion, but I must not be too lazy to evaluate the truth of a matter for myself. God gave you a brain. It functions with a different focus and perspective, but you are absolutely capable of understanding the contents of Scripture. Just as it is not spiritually healthy for children to blindly ride along on the faith of their parents, women need to remember that they stand on their own before God, independent of their husbands.

If you honestly discuss topics with anyone with whom you disagree you can reasonably expect to come to a common understanding or at least a functional agreement. How much more should this be so for the one you trust as a partner for life?  Some have noted that the longer a couple lives, the more they begin to look alike. This is bound to be the case with our spiritual outlook. We tend to become like those around us. Their ideas, interests, tastes, and concerns rub off on us. That is why it is so dangerous to surround yourself with bad influences. It is only natural that a couple will, over time, come to common conclusions. Let that be a conscious choice, not the easy way out.

As a wife, I must always see myself as the helper, not the leader. I yield to my husband’s judgment when we reach an impasse. The reason for yielding is not insufficient value. It is simply an indication of trust. I trust my husband to have my best interests at heart, and I trust that God knew what He was doing when He set things up this way. Our worth before God is that of those who will inherit His Kingdom equally.

Your loving friend,

Laurie Moyer

“You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way … and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life…” 1 Peter 3:7